Hey, here’s my bio. Here’s where I tell you all the incredible things I’ve accomplished. Like I went to college and got a couple degrees thanks to my white privilege, my father’s money and my hard work. I also helped people, it was cool, until it wasn’t. Then I started writing books, because I like to be alone and tell stories to people other than myself (it keeps the voices away). So now I write stuff.
Here is where I tell you about what I’ve written. My books are all very interesting and good, I assure you. First there’s Snowflake Obsidian: Memoir of a Cutter (funny and thought-provoking), then I co-authored Upon Destiny’s Song (gritty and inspiring and also, thank God I’m not a pioneer). Then there’s the recently released The Waking Dream (the novella my friends and family are calling, “heartbreaking,” “gut-wrenching” and “fucking sad, yo”). Then there’s the Hope-To-One-Day-Release-This-Book list of Ann, Not Annie, which if I get my shit together will be released in 2016. After that we have Chocolate Covered Zombies & Girls in Ugly Jumpers, (a series that will probably take my co-author, Lauren T. Hart and me fricken forever to finish, but I hope we do because it’s hilarious). Then there’s the Virgin Diaries (the book I don’t have time to write and will be released when you’re great grandchildren are born), and Getting Effed Over By Your Soul Mate, a collection of short stories and essays (these will never see the light of day). I work on all this stuff when my children are asleep or under the guise of needing to grab something from my car real quick when my mother comes to visit.
Now with that out of the way, I’ll tell you some cool things I’ve seen and done to make this bio seem less boring. Like horseback riding through a Costa Rican rainforest and stealing flowers while visiting Monet’s Gardens and getting diarrhea atop of the Eiffel Tower.
Then I’ll tell you some quirky stuff about me to make me seem down to earth and fun. Like how I sleep with a stun gun by my bed and lock my doors at night because I’m genuinely afraid of the world we live in and am not afraid to electrocute the shit out of you if you climb into my window at night. Also, I like cookies.
And in closing, I have a family.